In my first postpartum period I would dread the night.
"I won't sleep," I said. Not sleeping terrified me. I had postpartum depression and sleep was a high I chased and never achieved. I could never sleep deeply enough to ever feel rested.
In my second postpartum period I have come to realize: I won't sleep. It's a fact.
Of course, this is a bit of an exaggeration. I will sleep somewhat. I will get fragmented hours of sleep and rest in between feedings; however, I will not sleep through the night and it will last for months. The difference between this time and last time, other than having successfully avoided postpartum depression is I have released control with a sense of calm.
Tonight, I will not sleep through the night. I will wake up less rested than if I did not have a newborn. Tonight I will get cozy on the cough with my daughter and a bottle. I will listen to an audiobook I greatly enjoy. I will have a bottle of ice water ready to enjoy sips of as I am able. If I were a nighttime snacker, I would have a snack ready.
I wanted to control every aspect of my situation. Now, I think about what is actually within my control. I can never control the sleep patterns of my children. I can set up an environment that I find enjoyable even if my daughter struggles to sleep, wakes every hour, or simply has a bad night. The amount of control I have released in my fourth trimester this time around has allowed me to enjoy so many more aspects of having a newborn.
Would I like to sleep through the night? Of course. Until then, I will not dread the night. I will set myself up for success, be a safe place for my daughter to grow, and breathe deeply through the hard.